Flats of meadow sage and geraniums sit on my front porch, patiently waiting to be planted. They’re now joined by egg carton seedlings of beans, cucumbers and unidentified flowers brought home by my son after a weekend visit with his grandparents.

I sometimes wonder as I’m leaving the greenhouse, the farmer’s market or other people’s gardens: if the enthusiastic individual who sold me these items or gifted them to me knew the imminent danger these living, breathing flowerets and seedlings were in, would they allow them to go home with me?

You see, giving me anything green is sort of like sending an orphan into a home with exposed electrical outlets, hungry attack dogs and unsecured firearms.

It’s not a good idea. I’m not good with plants. But fortunately for you, dear reader, I know people who are. And those people love me even though I’m completely unfit to parent a plant—or at least they love me enough to share their expertise. So here are some tips for making your flowerbeds and vegetable gardens the envy of the ‘hood.

Finding your inner Farmer MacGregor

What’s an amateur gardener to plant? According to lifelong gardeners Phil and Janet Mathews of Hutchinson (yes, those of egg-carton seedling yore…) the best bet, easy-to-grow items for virgin vegetable patches are:

• Tomatoes: No space in the yard? Grow them in a pot on your patio.
• Onions: Not much work, but be warned: rabbits like them.
• Radishes: Easy with fast rewards.
• Lettuce: Not too difficult, if you have the space.
• Green beans: Not hard to grow, but remember to dust for bugs.
• Sunflowers: OK, they aren’t vegetables, but they get really tall and keep your nosy neighbors from spying on your backyard grill fests and other outdoor adventures! Of course, they look best with “prairie style” landscaping (wildflowers, native trees and grasses, etc.) rather than incongruously thrusting up through a manicured lawn.

Regular watering and weeding are the common denominators in all healthy, productive gardens. Once you’ve dispatched with the veggie patch, you can move on to other, more exotic photosynthetic organisms.

The ban on bland landscapes

Floral fashionista Paula Makar suggests planting columbine in shady spots and experimenting with edibles elsewhere. She favors self-seeding minzuna mustard for a tasty addition to salads, as well as pretty nasturtiums—which, with their peppery taste, are also edible in salads. “And I love peonies! Don’t worry if there are ants on them, as the ants are grooming the blooms and eating the nectar so the peonies can bloom easily,” she says.

Joyann Brake, lover of other people’s landscapes, reports that shoppers at last month’s Wichita Collegiate School Garden Market snatched up earthy-colored coleus and spiky grasses that mix well with asparagus fern, vinca vines and other high-texture trailers. “I’m drawn to various textures in a garden bed,” Brake says, “but I also notice how the gardens accent the house. The home should be the main focal point, so I love it when the plants and flowers complement the colors of the house. It’s so eye-catching.”

Private landscapers John Foote and David Ensz agree. “Trees and foliage frame your house, so it’s very important to prune them to allow your home to shine through.” They also recommend maintaining a full lawn of grass in order to sharpen the yard’s edges and pull focus to the house.

Additionally, Foote and Ensz offer six methods to ensure your yard looks better than the yard next door:

• When selecting flowers, choose one main color to use throughout and then add complimentary accent colors.
• Use hardworking plants that last through the season. Cannas, ferns, impatiens and sweet potato vines are among their favorites because they come in so many colors and can fill in the edges of patio pots. In fact, “sweet potato vine will take an average landscape to the next level,” says Foote. “It vines very quickly and you can break off a piece, root it in water and in under a week, plant it somewhere else. It’s the poor man’s Tropicana!”
• Add mulch, gravel, or some other ground cover around your planting beds.
• Keep trees and bushes neatly trimmed—not overgrown. It’s the landscaping equivalent of the bikini wax.
• Vary the sizes of your plants for added interest.
• Deadhead your flowers to ensure they’ll re-bloom.

And if these six strategies are too difficult to execute, please, at least get rid of the grass and weeds growing up through the cracks in the driveway. Attention to detail can make all the difference.

So, go forth and plant, dear reader! If you get stuck in the mud or find yourself on the losing end of a battle with a runaway vine or veggie-craving critter, you can always turn to the Sedgwick County Extension Education Center for advice. It’s located at 7001 W. 21st St. North or you can call 316-660-0100. The center’s website also has some handy features, such as a list of upcoming classes and events, and a self-assessment that will help you determine “How Healthy is Your Yard?” The Extension Master Gardener on staff provides home gardeners with information on lawn and garden care and hosts several plant-related events throughout the year, such as Herb Day, Tomato Day, Tree Fest, Garden Tours and a Basic Gardening Series.

Hmmm, now if only I could find the “Rent-A-Gardener” tab. . .